Mayhem in the Daytime
(Published in the Inland Valley Daily Bulletin — 1996)
My latest visit to the doctor was a real eye-opener. There in the waiting room was a television. In the old days, you went in, you sat down, and then you spent a half-hour staring at the rented artwork on the wall, or perusing old issues of "Oncology Monthly." (Why do these guys presume we want to know all about their business?)
But this time, I was exposed to an important cultural phenomenon: daytime television.
Daytime was once the domain of game shows, soap operas and sitcom reruns. Now, anyone with a social security number can have a talk show, and at the present rate probably will.
These new shows bypass the stuffy, conventional formats of their predecessors and go right for the gut: Eunice took her husband back, even though he confessed to having affairs with 20 women at the same time. Now they all live happily in the same house, and are on today's program discussing the merits of multiple room additions.
After 45 minutes of this, I could sense my attitude beginning to change. This was life — real, unfiltered. By comparison, the more dignified shows of the old days seemed pale, stiff, ethereal. I began to see how mainstream programming could benefit from this no-holds-barred approach. Imagine if you will:
Suzie, the hottest young host on the talk-show scene — having aced out Ophirah, Montreaux, Denny, Carnivore and Janie-Josephus — is strutting before her live studio audience. She introduces today's guests, who are seated behind her on high-backed stools: White House Chief of Staff Leon Panetta, Representatives Richard Gephardt and Newt Gingrich, and Senator Bob Dole.
Suzie kicks things off by addressing Gephardt. "Senator Gephardt, is this Republican budget plan just a deceitful piece of dreck?"
Gephardt: "It's a betrayal of American values, that's what it is! It wages war against the poor and middle class to finance tax cuts for the rich!"
Gingrich: "Why don't you just admit you don't have a clue, Dick! You're the last of the liberal dinosaurs, and you can't face your own extinction!" (Hoots from the audience)
Panetta (wearing a smile that appears welded on): "I don't think it's helpful to characterize each other with ..."
Gingrich: "Dinosaur! Dinosaur!"
Dole: "I'd like to think we can come to some kind of agreement and keep things running ..."
Gephardt: "It's an outrage! This is nothing but a smokescreen to hide the fact that you're gutting Medicare!"
Gingrich: "Gutting! Can you add, Dick? Can you ADD?" (Wild applause)
Panetta: "The president is committed to a balanced budget, but one that preserves the values that ..."
Gephardt: "The poor and the middle class! Tax cuts for the rich! Values! Values!"
Gingrich: "Stuff it, pretty boy. Your 15 minutes are up!"
Gephardt: "YOU stuff it, Gingrich Kahn! I should have been speaker, not you!"
At this point, a chair sails across the room and a general melee breaks out. Suzie steps close to the camera and speaks with an air of earnest sincerity: "We need to go to a break right now, but when we return, we'll ask Newt about his campaign finances and Lesbian half-sister."
Theme music comes up, the camera zooms back on the audience, which is applauding feverishly.
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